A Misfit's portal to the real world

The Unhappy Man

2007-11-05T20:51:00.000-05:00

Bill's lifelong ambition, as many of ours, was to stamp out all the happiness from the world.That mushy warm feeling when you feel happy was positively revolting to him.. So he went on his mission in a determined sort of way..Couples were hacked, crime,carnage and the likes were tolerated during his reign... But surprisingly Bonbontown was left untouched..... Families,
kids out in the sunny parks,couples canoodling in the open and all sort of
nasty things were tolerated in that 4 square mile area inBill's kingdom... When asked about this hypocrisy, the man simply replied ' I dont want to kill myself,do I?'
Words of wisdom indeed!!!

Of Martians and wise sayings

2007-05-30T16:00:00.000-05:00

There comes a time in every man's life when he has to stand up and say 'YES'. Or is it 'NO'? And shouldn't it rather be sitting down? Presumably Commander General Sawyer was also confused about this age old adage as your humble narrator. So he did kind of an ugly squat
and shrugged. Predictably all his commanders took that despicable shrug as a YES while the soldiers took it as a NO for obvious reasons. The first of the Interplanetary Wars was thus ON!!! The media always eager for a catchy and pithy comment very succinctly named the war as
'The First Inter Galactic war between the Earthlings and the Martians for absolute power over Pluto (no longer a planet mind ya)'.
Ahem, the fact that earth and mars and indeed pluto are in the same galaxy was somehow lost in the excitement....Well moving on.. The absolutely useless state of Kansas was unanimously chosen as the battleground for this mother of all wars. The cost of relocating the 50 herdsmen and 1000 horses occupying that state to the equally useless Nebraska (about$123.53) was agreed to be split between the two warring parties.

The first day of the war will go down as the most heroic in history. About 50 million rounds of ammunition were exchanged in that one day. About 50 of them were later traced to a local cowboy who always wanted to fight them foreigners and had done precisely that. The rest came from the Martian's weirdly shaped dildo-like guns. The mixture of sex and power was never more apparent. The media marveled over General Sawyer's strategy of conserving every bullet for a rainy day and duly credited day one to the humans. Thus the war dragged on for months...

Eulogies were sung, people started betting on the outcome, the youth.. well, they continued drinking and O. J. Simpson,well, still proclaimed himself innocent. But the toll of the war was clearly being felt by the Martians. Talks about the invisible enemy and their stealthiness led to a dampening of the morale and many heroic deaths. That the bullets in their brains were from their own rifles was a matter of little concern to either party. Eventually a truce was declared with either planet getting half of pluto to proselytize their religions. The soldiers were given a rousing welcome (they were first awakened from their drunken slumbers in the barracks) and all the commanders feted. More importantly, half of the 30 odd creatures of Pluto were converted to the major religion of the day. Indecisiveness, booze and an age old saying had once again won the day!!

Whats your Boundary,Kenneth?

2006-11-20T21:18:00.000-05:00

The beautiful and idyllic Snake river basin was indeed a sight to behold. But Sam, the deli owner from Salmon,Idaho had no time to admire the extraordinary beauty that fine spring morning provided. He was on a mission. He had a bet to win and,by joves, he was going to nail it! He had left his home at 6am and had walked 4 hours already without a break. On the way,he exchanged pleasanteries with Captain Smith, the local fisherman. The sight of that day's stock of caught fish reminded Sam that he had not eaten anything at all that morning. The road gradually became less traversable and Sam was soon on all fours desperately trying to hold on to the tree branches as he made his way up Roddle mountain. He could see his small town as he ascended the mountain and he felt proud of knowing and being on good terms with all his 150 neighbors. A happy tune escaped his mouth as he felt his mission was near to being accomplished. Sam suddenly burst into an uncontrollable fit of laughter as he pictured Jack's face when he would tell him about his extraordinary journey. Over some beer ofcourse!! I mean Jack owed him a bottle now, didn't he? He soon reached the top of Roddle mountain and let out a scream of delight! He had done it!!! He had gone where no-one he knew had!He had seen the world! His hands held up over his head, Sam eventually made his way back into civilization.

Meet Mr. Tambourine Man

2006-11-11T23:16:00.001-05:00

Mr. Tambourine Man thinks he is mainstream. Mr. Tambourine Man will never fit in.
Mr. Tambourine Man is a misanthrope. Mr. Tambourine Man is lonely.
Mr. Tambourine Man is happy. Mr.Tambourine Man thinks pessimism is beautiful.
Mr. Tambourine Man is not your friend. You can trust Mr. Tambourine Man.
Mr. Tambourine Man is the life of the party. Mr. Tambourine Man wishes he was alone.
Mr. Tambourine Man is omniscient. Mr. Tambourine Man just doesn't get it.
Mr. Tambourine Man is practical. Mr. Tambourine Man believes life without fanatasies sucks.
Mr. Tambourine Man is cordial. Mr. Tambourine Man wants to shout out occasionaly.
Mr. Tambourine Man likes to make friends. Mr. Tambourine Man wishes he hadn't made some of them.
Mr. Tambourine Man hates ridicule. Mr. Tambourine Man is ashamed at some of his actions.
Mr. Tambourine Man likes to express himself. Mr. Tambourine Man is an introvert.
Mr. Tambourine Man cares. Mr. Tambourine Man doesn't give a fuck.
Mr. Tambourine Man has many friends. Mr. Tambourine Man will probably die in obscurity.
Mr. Tambourine Man is hard to find. Mr. Tambourine Man could be YOU.

Ode to a slug

2006-10-31T22:51:00.000-05:00

It was the best of times. It was the worst of times!Which really combined to make it an absolutely ordinary day for Dick Dickyson. Not that he cared though. Nay sir, all his day was spent cleaning, washing, feeding,vacuuming and stamping his pet slug every 3 hours. It could take its toll on anybody and Dick was no exception! He didnt even get any time to talk to his mommy
and daddy, the fire brigade and his beautiful and just about marriageable lovely girlfriend Rita. But his is a story NOT to be tackled coz serious matters are screaming to be dealt today!! It was Dick Dickyson's neighbor who concerns us today. Yes it was Mr Peter(who would be the neighbor) who went to the local theater and saw Mrs. Stevens who's husband was in the British army that forms the crux of our story. Ahh it is with the British Army who had their training in Cornwall whose mayor Mr. Pied had a son with six fingers which frightened young Lisa who bumped into John who was the son of the local bartender that our story begins.The bartender worked in the Smith pub and hated the boisterous young crowd and the drinking and the smoking and realized that this wasnt his dream job after all. So he quit and went after his true love: the outlawed,dangerous,passionate,glamorous job of all time: SLUG DEALING! Thus ends our remarkable story! Applause anybody??

Good news for our audience: The narrator was shot soon after this narration for a pathetic storyline and the absence of a convincing punchline to cap this tearjerker.

Tales of an animal kind

2006-10-17T21:03:00.000-05:00

Our story starts like any other story doing rounds these days: with a frog. And an ugly one at that. Now frogs are ugly but this amphibian whom we shall address as Mr. Jones( for no particular reason) made the others look like Rupert Hick(another cooked up name). Well Alison
indeed liked to skydive a lot you know! I swear she did!!Hang on, got my stories confused. My bad!Well Mr. Jones fell in love with a hamster who thought he was handsome for obvious reasons.But as hamster's go, she was a little conservative. So Mr. Jones was asked to climb
the age old oak tree called Alan (just for fun) and well, jump from the top(family traditions which as family traditions go are a bit silly).

The stage lights suddenly dim and the crowd go home satisfied with a smashing entertaining movie. Alison jumped out of the plane and aahhhhhhh.......Jeez another detour sorry. Well little Polly was puzzled by the movie! She thought and thought. Well she aint particularly
smart so she probably just thought once. In the end, she could bear it no more. She had to get to the bottom of the story. So she asked the flight instructor Ali.... naah nearly went down that corner again didnt I? She asked her dad the one thing that was bothering her the most about
that wholesome beautiful movie. "Dad" she asked "Why was the frog blue in
the movie?"
The narrator of this story was soon run over by a mouse and we could not find a way to contact little Polly's dad (Mr. Simon ofcourse) to ask him about his answer to little Polly's and indeed the reader's burning question.

NOTE- Alison did indeed reach the ground in one piece.

Tell me your dreams!

2006-10-09T14:36:00.000-05:00

This was a toughie! Should he take out the Mercedes or the classy Aston Martin for the prime minister's official banquet? Ron Jones had it all indeed! As one of the most successful and acclaimed actors of his generation, he was used to being mobbed and envied at. The NY Times 'Hottest Bachelor' eventually decided on the Aston Martin and sped off to pick up Louise (his
date for the evening) for the banquet.After meeting his adulating and jealous admirers (including the prime minister), Ron drove back to his bachelor pad with Louise for a night of some action.
Ron woke up early in the morning and walked the 10 miles in his tattered clothes and on an empty stomach to his workplace. He was struggling to make ends meet as a child labourer at the clothes factory but atleast he now had a reason to live!

To infinity and beyond!!

2006-09-27T14:14:00.000-05:00

By all acounts, Tom was a genius!! That coupled with his supreme confidence made him the envy of all his friends. The only problem with him was his bloated ego. He thought he could do anything
( he probably could)!He had mastered everyting he put his mind too and he was pretty darn proud
of it!! One early morning, Tom lay on his bed contemplating what to master next. Suddenly realization dawned on him! He could do infinite things(and ofcourse master them) once he got up! But the moment he got up and proceeded in a particular direction, he was limiting himself(and his intellectual). Infinity confined to being finite!! Tom did NOT like that!! So he stayed in bed and revelled in his new found infinite potential!! Thats where he stayed for 30 days bathed in his happiness and died. Infinity had met its nemesis!!

Alone in the cloud so high!!!!!!!

2006-09-05T15:46:00.000-05:00

It was a cruel joke!! A cruel cruel joke indeed!!!! Did they take him to be an abslolute fool?? He was after all the most famous astronaut the world had ever known. I mean who would have thought anyone would go see Pleathaus and come back to tell the tale? Come to think of it: he
somehow didnt feel at home anymore. He was back on earth, wasnt he? And the old man who claimed to be his son did indeed look a bit like him. He was getting delusional! I mean it had just been 10 years since he had left these shores on a trip towards glory and, well, fucking uncertainty. His marriage was on the rocks, his alchoholism and his womanizing were
taking its toll on the young astronaut and he had jumped at the idea of exploring Pleathus(4 light years away). A journey towards nowhere was exactly what his heart yearned for then!He had gone where no man had gone and returned!!! There wasnt much to see at Pleathus except maybe the weird formations of some of its mountains! But still he had experienced wonders no one here could even imagine!!He loved technology!! Coz technology was what had got him there!!!! When he returned, he found out that he had deserted technology. I mean he didnt know how things worked on earth anymore. People abused and laughed at him for being illiterate and also a bit mad. 10 years?? How can things change so dramatically in 10 years??? Why was his wife dead and his son 80 in 10 FUCKING YEARS??? He felt lost once again. He was indeed going mad!! The wistful eyes longed for the past as he pulled the trigger!!
He was ready for a journey again!

I am become death, the destroyer of worlds

2006-08-25T21:29:00.001-05:00

SCENARIO 1:The nightmare would start again! How she wished she could stop this! In a few minutes, she would be careening down the road without control. HEEEEEEEELP PLLLLLLLLLZ!!!!!!!!The impact of her car with the tree would cause excrutiating pain! She would see her son's head explode in front of her eyes. The pressure on her chest would be so great she would think she would just pass out. Fat chance of that happening though! SOMEONE PLEASE STOP THIS!Her husband would give up his fight with death anytime now. Ahh there he goes now! She screams but is there anyone to hear her? The minutes go by and she knows she will soon be transported back to her house to start the fateful trip again. Oh GOD when will this stop??

SCENARIO 2: She was kinda looking forward to the moment she had her first kiss. Ahh the good times she had in high school! What a wonderful experience to relieve the good times of her life again. She was blessed indeed!!! The first day at her job, the day she fought and fell in love with Bob. Ahh the wonderful times!! The parties in Vermont, skiing in NH and sun bathing in the Caribbean. Could she ask for more!! Her kid's first words were like the sweetest music to her!! Funny how he never grew after that and she was transported to the halcyon days of her childhood again. But what the hell!! Life's there to cherish its best moments, isnt it?

SCENARIO 3: DARKNESS!! Nothing more, nothing less...

What would you do?? I would pull the plug.................

The boy and his imaginary friend

2006-08-17T12:00:00.000-05:00

No-one could seperate the two of them. Lifelong mates indeed they were!
Each would gladly accept death to avoid any misfortune on the other.
Ramesh felt blessed indeed for having such a wonderful friend!! He had
in Ganesh everything he could ask for as a friend and advisor.And above
all, wasnt Ganesh the only who actually listened to his grandiose aims
of conquoring the world and believed in them? How he would reward his
steadfast friend once he acheived them!! The others were indeed jealous
of their friendship. I mean why would they call him paranoid for cooking
up an imaginary friend?? It was enough to make him burst off into an
uncontrollable fit of laughter!!

One fine day,Ramesh and Ganesh headed off to the beach for some
fishing and swimming and, well, a lot of looking. But what do they see?
A poor soul in distress-unable to swim its way out of the predicament
it had got itself into. Ofcourse Ramesh wouldnt let that happen,would
he? I mean he was a decent swimmer and well Ganesh (an excellent
swimmer himself) was there to help him all the way anyway. He could
count on his best friend, couldnt he? There goes the fine young lad
and meets his watery grave!! And yeah ofcourse dont put the poorlad's
death down to his paranoia. I mean we all have an imaginary friend we can count
on at all times, dont we? A certain someone called GOD?

The lunatic is in my head!!

2006-08-03T15:29:00.000-05:00

He was just an ordinary boy living in a free land. He could do what his mind
desired. Well ofcourse he could not resort to the occasional meat that his friend Karim enjoyed from time to time because of his religion . And surely not even wild horses could keep him away from the temple every saturday. His parents would be so proud that he was keeping alive their beliefs and traditions in a foreign land. He was indeed a free man!He definitely would not indulge in womanizing and liquor and smoke because well you just didnt do that in the family he so dearly loved.Ahh damn Ashok for indulging in such vices!Didnt he care two hoots for his parents??Ah the sweet smell of freedom indeed! His favourit movie you ask? Ofcourse 'A clockwork Orange'. Why you may ask? Coz he rattles off 'It is a movie which opens your eyes to the fact that a man who is forced into making a choice without his own volition is just a puppet who is compelled to do the right thing'. What a fucking pathetic life for such an individual is what our protaganist thinks!! He enjoys his freedom and would rather die than part with it. As he would die if his sister fell in love with any of those useless lower caste pricks. How his parents would hate that!! The boy loved his parents who taught him to fight for his (own??) beliefs and nurtured independent thought into their son! I wonder..........

I am a Traveller of time and space

2005-11-28T02:49:00.000-05:00

Andrei Witt, the brilliant but eccentric genius has finally built his
dream machine!! A time machine which can transport him into the past and the future!! Immortality beckons this genius!! He decides not to go public with his invention and embarks on the wildest journey of his life. He is there at the beginning of the Universe. Jesus, the son of God and his noble mission is played out in front of his very eyes. The holy wars of Mahabharata and the trojan war and the subsequent human loss moisten his grey eyes.He is privy to the knowledge about the alleged invasion of India by the Aryans. The holy crusades, as a fascinating conflict of Christianity and Islam, expose him to the power of religion over society.Hitler and the holocaust drive him to tears. He sees evil and decadence rising in the world. Then as proclaimed by the bible or, according to Hindu mythology,at the end of Brahma's day, the worlds are destroyed. Evolution (or creation to the religious conservatives) starts again. Like a movie played over and over again, the cycle repeats. Andrei is bored!Mindful of the Novikov self-consistency principle, which says that, in time travel, if an event exists that would give rise to a paradox, then the probability of that event happening is zero, he decides to tinker slightly with these events to change them slightly though making them consistent with Novikov's principle. He has just become an omniscient powerful being with some degree of control over the mere mortals of this insignificant planet. Andre strongly believes he is GOD! Is there any way to disprove him? Is this the birth of GOD?

NOTE: The Novikov self-consistency principle, also known as the Novikov self-consistency conjecture, is a principle developed by Dr. Igor D. Novikov in the mid-1980s to solve the problem of paradoxes in time travel.It resolves the problem of a time traveller killing his grandfather and subsequently not being born at all by saying that this event is a zero-probability event.

And God said, Let there be light: and there was light!

2005-11-11T13:33:00.000-05:00

Who is this omnipresent all powerful being? Does he really exist or is it just someones idea
of an extended April fools joke? No one claims to see him but,well,dont we all feel him? And
yeah ofcourse, you have to be good for when Judgement Day cometh, you better be in his good books or its the fiery pits of hell and Lucifer(Gods fallen angel) for you.

God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
--Voltaire [Francois-Marie Arouet]

Or is he just a fictitous character concocted by people in search for a meaning to life?
God and his wrath is just an excuse for being a better human being. Coz face it, if
there aint God and no Stairway to heaven, why be good at all?(I know its a very twisted logic but, well, I am weird)

Coming back to life

2005-11-08T16:46:00.000-05:00

I wake up with trepidation. Ennui hits me like a blow to the head. I am heading back in the throes of despair. The ridiculousness of it all dawns on me. I am a slave to my destiny. Freedom aint for the likes of me. I am a creature of burden hurtling to my slow and painful demise.

'And all you touch and all you see
Is all your life will ever be.'

I want to touch and see so much more. Its an overwhelming but reassuring thought. Life is so much more than just a slow journey to death. Its a whole world of experience. The spirit of the man shall live on!

God does not play Dice

2005-11-06T14:09:00.000-05:00

So said Einstein. But apparently its a game that he plays with humans. Why are we here and whats our purpose?

'Created and annhilated, Created and annhilated-Such a waste of time!' -These were Richard Feynman's views on the creation and subsequent swift destruction of electrons and positrons or any other form of energy and momentum in the vast spaces of empty space which is explained by Heisenburgs Uncertainty Principle. But this can easily be applied to human beings. Generations of humans are born and die acheiving nothing other than consuming some oxygen and devouring a lot more. Are we, as Douglas Adams humorously put, part of an organic computer to compute the Ulimate question to life, Universe and well everything?(The answer is 42 for the uninitiated).

A very bleak view of life can be seen in the lyrics of Pink Floyd-

A man in black on a snow white horse,
a pointless life has run it's course,
the red rimmed eyes, the tears still run
as he fades into the setting sun

'Virus: a harmful or corrupting agency.' Could we be the most potent virus formed yet bent on replicating our kind at the cost of wreaking havoc on the other living organisms found on this planet? Hmmm unlikely but could be Gods start to the battle of Armageddon.

I am the walrus!

2005-11-04T12:22:00.000-05:00

'Was I to believe him in earnest in his intention to penetrate to the centre of this massive globe? Had I been listening to the mad speculations of a lunatic, or to the scientific conclusions of a lofty genius? Where did truth stop? Where did error begin?' - Jules Verne (Journey to the center of the earth)

What is insanity? A popular defintion goes 'insane is not necessarily a disorder of the mind, but may simply be a different way of being that is judged as unacceptable on social or cultural grounds.'

But the question follows- Who judges what is acceptable or not? Should it be the general public or people who are 'trained' to find this kind of incorrigible behavior in individuals aka the psychiatrists?

'Those who know that the consensus of many centuries has sanctioned the conception that the earth remains at rest in the middle of the heaven as its center would, I reflected, regard it as an insane pronouncement if I made the opposite assertion that the earth moves.'
This is a famous quote by Nicolaus Copernicus who circulated his ideas of a sun-centered solar system in secret for fear of being charged of heresy by the church.

Well we all know Copernicus was right but his book ' De revolutionibus orbium coelestium (On the Revolutions of the Heavenly Bodies)' was published only a few weeks after his death. He could never do it on his own due to the fear of ostracism and torture.

Perhaps a lunatic was simply a minority of one"- George Orwell. Hmmm Maybe

'Insanity- A perfectly rational adjustment to an insane world'- R. D. Laing (British psychiatrist). Hahhaha Now I like that. So that means all the sane people who cannot make this small adjustment are termed insane. Its brilliant!! Hope you and I make the cut! Or maybe not!!

Everybody Says I am Fine!

2005-11-03T14:29:00.000-05:00

Typical Conversation encountered everywhere I go:

Human 1 : Hey How are you?
Moi : I am good!! How are you?
Human 1 : Good

Now I dont usually lie (hahaha) but I repeat this small lie like half a million times a day. I am not fine at all half the times I am asked this question and I am sure the other guy (Human 1 in the conversation bit) is not either. Whats this cloyingly sweet with some sugar on top way to meet people all about? Why cant u be like 'I am super-pissed today and it would be good if you could wipe that grin of your face and,well, even better take ur face totally beyond the realms of my vision? That would be cool to address someone and also keep all that needless small talk to a bare minimum. Maybe I will do it sometime and dwindle the already diminishing legion of ppl I call friends.

Welcome to eternal boredom

2005-11-03T14:02:00.000-05:00

Am getting bored searching for a job here so decided to distribute this boredom to all the people who are cursed to know me. Dont worry I am very generous and everyone will receive his share today. So do check this blog out if you are doing something interesting and need some way to bore yourself. Satisfaction is guaranteed!!